It's good to be breathing again. I'm learning that my joy and my regeneration is dependent on Him and not on myself. Even though, I should strive to be free for my own sake.
Why is it that we Christians sometimes sin even if we don't enjoy the sin or are literally sick of sin. I find I often do that. Let me clarify first. I do think that Christians sometimes enjoy sin. I did and often do (sadly). We are human. The flesh is still there even though the Spirit is regenerating us inside. This regeneration usually tends to bring us to the point where we don't enjoy sin anymore. But when we are at that point why do we still find ourselves doing the same sin again and again?
For me this particular sin is pornography. I had times when I enjoyed it but more often than not over the last couple years I didn't enjoy it. This begs the question why I still do it, why Christians in general continue in their sin even when the enjoyment is gone. I think this often happens because we do not think we're worthy for something else.
Take this, for example: I find myself drifting into dirty thoughts. I'm starting to think about looking at pornography. Then a thought comes in of how nice it would be to give Carol a call and simply talk a bit with the one I love. In that moment I would really rather do this instead of looking at porn but I feel I'm too dirty, too unworthy to do something this good. I'm feeling ashamed.
It's natural for me to feel dirty or ashamed in that situation. That's how we're wired. That's the laws of the universe Aslan (i.e. God) put in place. But I'm missing Christ in this. Yes, it's natural for me to be ashamed but no, I'm not unworthy or dirty and I don't even need to feel ashamed anymore. Christ is my righteousness, my life. I've got nothing to fear. I've got nothing to hide from. Christ is my life. So really part of putting off the old body and putting on the new body is counting myself dead to sin and alive to Christ, meaning that sin's shame and guilt doesn't apply to me anymore (it was paid with Christ on the cross) but Christ's righteousness does (I've been raised with Christ). This removes the guilt and shame and opens the door out of this prison. When I count myself dead to sin (in Christ) and alive to Christ (in Christ) I can walk out of this prison immediately and do the good things that He makes me desire. I'm not bound to unworthiness and failure anymore. I'm worthy and clean.