i'm trying to fix you. you're trying to fix me (maybe you've stopped, which would speak of your maturity, cause i do think you're way more mature in this area). i don't mean "fix" in the bad sense as in trying to get the other person to be as we want them to but "fix" as in assuming responsibility for each others problems. i know, as i'm thinking and writing all this reminds me of a place i've been to again and again. why don't i learn? i always try to make your problems my problems, but then end up not handling them and despairing, of this relationship, sometimes of live.
no, it's not you who is bad. you're not making my life hard. you never pushed your problems onto me (although you don't mind an open ear and help). but it's me who is handling this wrong and putting our relationship in grace danger.
i need to let go. boundaries. your problems are your problems, my problems are my problems. i don't carry responsibility for your problems, you don't carry responsibility for my problems. that doesn't mean we can't help. but there need to be boundaries.
i guess this is one more of those blabber-on-until-i-come to the point posts. i find the more i write the more my thoughts become. so, here we go with some clearer thoughts.
i don't just want to help you with your problems. i blame myself for your problems. bam! this is the issue. self-condemnation. no good if i blame myself for my own sin. no good if i blame myself for some other person's sin or problems. does Jesus live in her? yes, He does. does He live in me? despite all my sin and failures and suckiness, He does. who then should i trust. oh-so-glorious me or her or God? i guess the answer is obvious.
what should i do then in conclusion? should i blame myself? no. should i seek penance? no. should i try to do better? no, yes, and no. not really. not a useful question as the answer is obviously yes but the outcome of that answer is garbage. i can't really do better by myself, without God. let's rephrase it: should i do better? yes. should i try to do better? no. i should trust God to be good and to breathe His life in me so i become better. what's needed for this? to see Him in His word (cause that's His way to work new life in me and to give me His Spirit). to pray. to get sleep so i have the energy to effectively read His word and pray. should i keep dwelling on this? no. should i blame myself for this? no. should i think how hard this is? no, i shouldn't worry about "fixing" this.
this relationship won't get fixed without God. i won't be fixed without God.
i stop blaming myself and go to God
=> i'll learn to know Him
=> He gives His life to me
=> i become a mature man
=> i can be the man to carol i should be
=> God comes into our relationship
=> i can lead again
=> our relationship will thrive
i keep blaming myself
=> i won't go to God
=> i'll hide
=> i'll have gloomy thoughts
=> more pain
=> carol won't like me (understandable)
=> i won't like me
=> our relationship will die
now the common thought is that if she means so much to me i should carry the blame for hurting her. but that leads to more pain (see above) and more hurt for her. the completely ridiculous, uncommon thought would be that if she means so much to me i shouldn't blame myself for hurting her cause that'll lead to more hurt. instead the loving thing to do is to let go of any self-condemnation, seek joy, seek God, seek happiness, for that'll end up restoring our relationship.
all this ridiculous thinking, of course, wouldn't work a bit if it weren't for Christ's death and life.