Yesterday was actually day 1, really.
Surrender. It's so hard. Well, it's easy at the same time. I want to absolutely surrender, follow God's will. He knows better than me. He loves me.
I haven't surrendered in so long. I've been putting it off. Been asking "what's so wrong with this," "what's so wrong with that." Nothing, maybe, but there's no joy. There's no joy following my will. There's pain, really. Chastisement from my Father? Sometimes I just want my will.
I guess the real problem is that I don't trust God to give me joy. I want to change that. I'm used to going to Carol for finding joy. Sorry, this is so bad. I say I love her but I seem to give my life to her, please her, in order to get what I want from her. I kinda do it subconsciously. Referring back to yesterday's post I hinge on her. The root for an unhealthy relationship is right there. I should hang on Christ, be attached to Christ, go to Christ for joy, follow Christ (for my joy), do His will to find joy (instead of doing Carol's will to find joy or my will to find joy). Then I can give. Let's go even further back to thoughts I had two-three years ago.
We can't truly love if we're devoid of God's love. We look for joy and love in things, in sin, in being good, etc., but can't find it. We run empty because none of these things can give us joy and love. Only God can. Everything's finite, empty. If we try to get joy in other people/things we are like the devils, simply sucking each others blood for our own sustenance, causing the other person to die. Instead we should be sucking God's blood (figuratively speaking), or rather drink His blood, the blood He gives freely.
There's life in the blood. The life of a living thing is in its blood (quoting sort-of free from the Old Testament). The life of Christ is in His blood. He gave His blood for us and in His blood we have life. And, unlike other things/beings, His life isn't finite, doesn't run out. It's infinite. Enough for me. Enough for you. Enough for everyone who comes and drinks.
Drinking blood sounds gross, that's why Christ refers to it also as drinking living water. Water that never runs out and gives us life.
Surrender, a necessity.