Harry's Life and Thoughts

2010 San Francisco Day 6

2011-03-05T11:00:00.005-05:00

Day 6 of our trip started with breakfast at Denny's. Their breakfast puppies looked very much like Timbits but we didn't try them. We then drove to Calistoga and stopped to see the old faithful geyser in that town. It erupted a few times in 45 minutes we were there.

I dropped Carol off at a spa and spent some time at a local coffee shop called yo el rey. A neat little place and highly recommended. We had lunch after that at Bosko's, an Italian restaurant and then left to go back south to the bay area. On the way we stopped at the petrified forest where they had many tree remnants that had turned into stone a long time ago.

The rest of the way we passed vineyard after vineyard. The whole Napa valley is filled with vineyards from one end to the other. It's quite the sight but unfortunately I don't have any pictures.

2010 San Francisco Day 5

2011-03-05T10:54:00.005-05:00

It's been 10 months now since Carol and I did our California trip and life's much different now but I realize that I've only posted one half of our pictures and only wrote about the first half of our trip so I'd like to remedy that.

On day 5 of our trip we left Monterey in the morning. We started with the 17 mile drive. The most memorable things from that drive are the dunes and wildflowers by the beach, rock stacks and the big rock of bird-poop a few meters out in the ocean where all the seals would congregate. The last thing and the most touristy of the things on this drive was the lone cypress. I'm sure you've seen it in pictures or movies before.

After that we left the Monterey area and drove north, through San Francisco again and stopped by the Golden Gate bridge. The best views of the bridge are from the two lookouts to the north of the bridge. Out of these two I enjoyed the abandoned military base on a hill to the north-west of the bridge the best. Awesome views of the city behind the bridge.

We then left the bridge and on recommendations of friends drove down into Sausolito. Our GPS sent us down the steepest, most winding narrow road I've ever driven on. It was something you don't see in Ontario. When we arrived in Sausolito, though, both of us felt too tired to explore so we continued up north, got stuck in rush hour traffic but eventually made it to Santa Rosa. We ended the day at Thai Taste with coconut juice, beer and some decent thai food.

Verzichten (to do without)

2010-12-19T22:18:00.002-05:00

For the last little while (few months) I've been eyeing Android phones. Now the phone I've been waiting for came out in the states and I have an opportunity to get friends to bring me one across the border. The dilemma is that this would put me back $600-$700 which is quite a bit since we just bought a house.

Carol knows how much I've been wanting one of these so she said she'd strike a deal: I get the phone but don't get anything else until we do the first largish renovation in our place (which she really wants). This didn't strike me as fair since she's always cheap and I always end up getting the expensive things I want. So I changed the deal and told her that I should hold off on a smartphone until we've done the first largish reno. This is fair.

This brings me to the point of this post (if anyone is still reading after these two paragraphs). The point is that we have so much stuff and usually just get whatever we want. In the "developed" world we don't usually know what it means to forgo something. We're like kids. The more toys we get the less we value the toys we already got. For me this means that forcing myself to forgo a smartphone for the near future means that I realize I actually have a lot of "stuff" to play with. There's the camera, the guitars, projects around the house. When we actually forgo one thing we might realize that what we have is already more than enough, maybe even too much.

I should really value my stuff more instead of letting it catch dust in a corner.

Gabriel's 4th month

2010-12-03T22:00:00.002-05:00

Gabriel is now 4 1/2 months old already. It's crazy. When I look at old pictures and videos of him its apparent how much he's changed.

Some areas are getting better. He sleeps through the night now most of the time. He can entertain himself for a few minutes now and when you sit beside him sometimes even longer. He's also good with only four feedings in a day. All those things are pretty great.

Some areas are getting worth, though. His cradle cap (and maybe psoriasis?) and his eczema are pretty bad. Last night he scratched himself so much that half his scalp was covered in blood and the skin was pretty much raw. He sleeps with socks now. We're also not looking forward to the teething stage which could start anytime now.

Overall he's good though despite the worries and the tiredness. Below you'll find some more pictures of him. Enjoy.

The album:

2010 Gabriel 4th Month

A selection of the images:

A sleeping baby makes his parents happy.

A proud mommy.

A happy baby makes his parents happy, too.

Enjoying life to the fullest. In fact he does everything to the fullest. There is no subtlety with this child.

Looking all tough.

Wearing a turban which is really a hat and gauze so his scalp heals again after the major scratches.

Gabriel's 2nd & 3rd months

2010-10-08T22:42:00.003-04:00

Gabriel grew and changed a lot, for the better. He's interactive now, smiling at you, trying to talk. He'd also like to walk if he could.

You'll find new pictures at

2010 Gabriel 2nd Month

2010 Gabriel 3rd Month

Following is a small sample of pictures.

The futility of most prayers

2010-09-07T09:26:00.003-04:00

"When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures."
~ St. James (James 4:3)

I daresay most people ask with wrong motives most of the time. God's not a heavenly vending machine.

My faith has been thoroughly shaken by this. God transcends our petty prayers. He is. Period. It doesn't matter whether we receive what we pray for. Indeed if most of our prayers are wrong it's a waste of time and energy to pray them.

Most answered prayers mean nothing and shouldn't be used to strengthen our faith in God. Most unanswered prayers mean exactly as little and shouldn't be used to discredit our faith. We believe in God because He is. Nothing more, nothing less. Every other ground is sinking sand.

Gabriel Wentland

2010-07-28T14:41:00.004-04:00

Gabriel Wentland was born July 23rd, 2010 at North York General Hospital. Since then he's caused mom and dad a lot of stress and joy.

You can read more about the labour & delivery at Carol's blog: http://reflecksions.blogspot.com/2010/07/from-labour-til-whatever-i-have-time-to.html.

The run-down is: baby and mom are healthy. Still for quite a while baby had problems breastfeeding and never got enough and always was cranky. Today we got an appointment at the Newman Breastfeeding Clinic (http://www.nbci.ca) where they helped us tremendously with breastfeeding, discovered Gabriel had a tongue tie and cut it. Now he feeds well and is a happy and quiet little camper.

Following are a few pictures of Gabriel. You can find more at http://picasaweb.google.com/hwentland/GabrielFirstWeek?feat=directlink.

2010 San Francisco Day 4

2010-06-16T22:15:00.003-04:00

The next morning we started the day by having breakfast, getting in the car and driving south. We read that the stretch down to Big Sur was beautiful and were definitely not disappointed. It was absolutely breathtaking.

I stopped and got out of the car to take pictures way too many times. Every once in a while we saw these birds circling along the coast. Not sure if they were eagles but it looked pretty cool.

We passed the well-known and picturesque Bixby Bridge, near Big Sur, but not without taking yet more pictures.

Miles and miles of awesomeness.

When we got to Big Sur we decided that we would keep going to this castle of which we'd seen a brochure. It looked pretty magnificent in the pictures so we figured it'd be worth it. We figured it wouldn't take too long since we were already half way. That proved like a bad miscalculation. The road was so windy that we couldn't go faster than 35 mph for most of the stretch.

Once we got close to Hearst castle we noticed all these people stopping by the side of the road and saw some seals. Then we came to a parking lot that was beside a beach that was packed with elephant seals. Definitely a worthwhile sight that we didn't plan.

It looked pretty awesome but you didn't want to get too close. The smell was anything but pleasant.

Finally we arrived at Hearst castle, had a burger and fries for lunch while constantly shoo-ing the crows away, and then went up on a tour of the castle.

Apparently this newspaper magnate William Randolph Hearst built the castle which was sort of his life long dream on land that he inherited from his parents. It's absolutely magnificent and definitely rivals European castles. You can read on it at wikipedia.

It looked almost like being in Italy or Spain.

We were joking that we'd tell people this was our hotel room:

The view was pretty stunning. Ocean on one side, green hills on the other.

The main reception area had antiquities from all over the world.

The walls of the movie theater looked like a scene from Indiana Jones. Pretty awesome.

All mosaic tiles, many of them gold-plated in this indoor pool. Wish we could've swam there.

After the tour and a long drive back we actually made it in time to see the sunset in Carmel. We stopped at Safeway, bought some sausage, cheese and bread and then sat down at the beach waiting for the sunset. It was a lot of fun.

2010 San Francisco Day 3

2010-06-16T21:38:00.005-04:00

It's been a while since I updated pictures on our California trip. I've just gotten lazy. Anyways, here's day 3.

On the third day we rented a car and started driving down Hwy 1 to Monterey.

One of the nicest places on the road was probably the natural bridges park in Santa Cruz.

Since we still had time we figured we'd check out Santa Cruz. We ended up walking through the shopping district a bit and then had coffee at Peet's which I thought was an independent shop until I saw them everywhere in California. Very yummy lattes, though.

After another hour or so of driving we arrived in Monterey at our motel. It was dark, the fireplace was a little sketchy, the toilet was leaking but we had two queen size beds which meant we'd get a good nights rest again.

For dinner we went to the Fishwife's Turtle Bay Taqueria. You order your food at the counter and then take a turtle with your number back to your table. No, not a real turtle. At that restaurant I had my first horchata. It's a very delicious Mexican drink made out of rice, water, cinnamon and sugar.

On our way back to the motel we noticed this store.

The reason it caught our eye was that our friend's daughter is named Kaiya. They apparently vacationed in Northern/Central California when they were expecting her. Is this coincidence? I have yet to ask them.

As we were walking back we decided to hop in the car and drive to Carmel to see if we could still catch the sunset over the Pacific ocean. So we did but arrived a few minutes too late. Everyone was just leaving the beach. It was still pretty gorgeous and we decided that we'd try it again next night.

2010 San Francisco Day 2

2010-04-25T18:49:00.008-04:00

On Sunday we started the day with free breakfast at the hotel and then went to take the legendary San Francisco cable car to the Fisherman's Wharf, since that's what tourists do.

From 2010 San Francisco Day 2

After walking around in the rain and buying tickets for the Alcatraz tour we decided we'd go and have some Clam Chowder in a Sourdough Bread Bowl. On the way we picked up some lovely blue rain ponchos to keep us from getting absolutely soaked.

From 2010 San Francisco Day 2

We saw these sourdough bread creations at Boudin's where we then had some Clam Chowder.

From 2010 San Francisco Day 2

After the Clam Chowder we went out to see the crookedest street, Lombard Street in San Francisco. Apparently it used to be a normal two-way street but since it was two steep they eventually redesigned the street. Now it's one-way and curves back and forth.

From 2010 San Francisco Day 2

Many houses in San Francisco are plenty colourful.

From 2010 San Francisco Day 2

We still had time left and were cold and wet so Starbucks was the place to be until we had our tour of Alcatraz. Here we fixed our footwear. Carol had the awesome idea to wear plastic bags inside our shoes so our feet wouldn't get so wet. It worked really well. On one foot Carol's socks were too wet already so she wrapped them in tissue paper first before tying the plastic bag around it.

From 2010 San Francisco Day 2

Finally our tour starts and after a short ferry ride (think Toronto Island ferries) we arrive at the Island and start our trek to the top.

From 2010 San Francisco Day 2

(If you follow the link to the pictures you'll find many more pictures of Alcatraz and our trip.)

The audio tour on Alcatraz is quite amazing. I never thought highly of audio tours but the Alcatraz tour changed my perception entirely. One thing I found neat is how they showed how many inmates would try to make the cell their little home and do art, music or even knit to keep themselves entertained.

From 2010 San Francisco Day 2

People could see the city from the prison but had no way to participate in its life. It must've been one of the hardest things.

From 2010 San Francisco Day 2

After half of our tour on Alcatraz the rain stopped and we got some amazing views of San Francisco and the Golden Gate Bridge.

From 2010 San Francisco Day 2

We got back to our Hotel wet and tried. For dinner we ended up at an Italian place on Powell near Geary called Bellini after again being told that the wait for The Cheesecake Factory was one hour.

2010 San Francisco Day 1

2010-04-24T23:10:00.011-04:00

As many of you know Carol and I are expecting a cute little son. Well, we'll see about the cuteness when he arrives I guess. So two weeks ago Carol and I went to San Francisco to enjoy the last vacation just with the two of us.

We left Toronto on Saturday morning, flying American Airlines through Chicago to San Jose. Carol's dad graciously drove us to the airport at 5:30 in the morning.

This is us waiting at the Chicago airport for our connection to San Jose:

From 2010 San Francisco Day 1

Even though we had aisle seats the windows seat was empty so I was able to take some pictures of the scenery as we flew over.

From 2010 San Francisco Day 1

We arrived in San Jose starving and had to rush for the Caltrain which only comes every hour on weekends. Unfortunately there was no food around the station in Santa Clara so we arrived in San Francisco absolutely starved and hour and a half after. We ended up walking up to our Hotel which took half an hour, then proceeded to look for food.

Wikitravel sent me through the Tenderloin on our search for food. Everyone who knows San Francisco knows that this is probably not the area you want to visit in the evening if you're tourists unless you know what you're doing. Well, I didn't know this so we walked through this and were reminded of the time we were looking for food in Montreal. We ended up walking into a similarly bad area there. Must be my luck.

Eventually we proceeded toward The Cheesecake Factory at Macy's at Union Square but were told that the wait is an hour. Since this was too long we went in search of other food and ended up settling for Panda Express, a Chinese fast-food chain.

We fell into bed exhausted that night.

humility and disappointments

2010-01-12T11:06:00.004-05:00

a while back i wrote a little piece on humility (http://harryslifeandthoughts.blogspot.com/2010/01/humility.html) after which someone said they're not too sure how humility and disappointment go together.

i think it's simple. disappointment with ourselves kills our pride.

humility

2010-01-02T00:33:00.002-05:00

a long time ago i prayed that God would remove my 'stupid pride'. today i'm reminded of this as i feel that my life is so mediocre.

humility is the beer bottles on the shelf
it's the dirty counters and messy bedrooms
it's the musical ambitions i've left by the wayside
it's the photography that i leave untouched

humility is my disappointments at work
and the disappointments with all the other projects i pick up
it's my inability to pull things through
it's my weakness

really, humility is not to accomplish something
humility is living life as it comes, the way we are

humility is not making a name for ourselves, as musicians, photographers, artists, software developers, pastors, missionaries, husbands, dads, etc
humility is to simply live life, use what we're given, and be content with what we get

so, in a way my 'mediocrity' is an answered prayer. and really, it's not my life that's mediocre... my life is good. it's me who's mediocre and that's okay.

Carol's blog

2009-09-24T15:05:00.001-04:00

My wonderful wife started to blog, so if you're interested check it out: http://reflecksions.blogspot.com/

That said, I should probably blog as well again.

random thoughts on may the 29th

2009-05-29T15:50:00.006-04:00

random thoughts/happenings of the day:
- i'm getting oversensitive to incorrect pitch. you know it's bad when it's bugging me while listening to toto cutugno, a professional italian music artist.
- i should've brought the camera and tried to get a shot of bush and/or clinton today who are speaking at this moment at the metro toronto convention centre, a mere kilometer (or less) away from where i'm sitting at the moment
- i discovered a reference to a hut in the alps inside the junit source code (TestSuite's constructor) today, twittered it and subsequently got a reply from Kent Beck (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kent_Beck), the father of extreme programming and creator of JUnit. could it be he actually did the hike up the Huefihuette with his laptop while writing that code? either way, i was startstruck.
- i shall learn to value sleep more

mars hill church

2009-02-12T09:20:00.002-05:00

http://theresurgence.com/the_call_boot_camp

This article made me very uncomfortable. Is another good church going down the mainstream drain and becoming as irrelevant and phony as other churches? It makes me very uncomfortable when churches care so much about growth because 99% of the time they then forget about the people.

In reality most churches probably already forgot about the people and real friendships. Almost feels like the whole idea of caring about someone's spiritual well-being is mostly phony and distracts from the real issues and the real person, our "neighbor."

recession

2009-02-10T13:38:00.003-05:00

these are simply a few semi-random thoughts i had while stumbling "recession" related websites/articles today:
- is the recession fabricated?
- if the recession is fabricated for what reason?
- it almost feels like the only way to really change things is if we stop being stupid senseless consumers and take responsibilities for all our actions
- could it be that this is a good opportunity to develop a business which can emerge out of this recession like the phoenix from the ashes?

euphoric head playing at solar crash

2009-01-30T09:34:00.002-05:00

carol and i are preparing for our biggest gig so far. we're going to play at solar crash. the event's in support of the local charity sketch. we'll be performing as euphoric head and doing a few awesome songs, like "while my guitar gently weeps" and the ever-great disco anthem "holding out for a hero." we'll also do some friggin cool original material. so come out and support us. we'd be thrilled to see you therre.

music to draw to

2009-01-29T14:28:00.003-05:00

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=120770335062&ref=share

Kid Koala's gonna play a couple of five hour gigs in Montreal of some of his collection of quiet time records, giving his audience the chance to chill and perform their favorite quiet intellectual or non-intellectual activity such as writing or knitting or anything else one can do quietly while listening to music.

I probably won't go (Montreal's a little far) but this sounds like one friggin' aweseome idea...

8-bit Christmas

2008-12-24T12:07:00.001-05:00

This dude has some really funky christmas songs in 8-bit gaming console style. Check it out:

http://www.doctoroctoroc.com/video-games/8-bit-jesus-full-album-release/

INFP

2008-12-24T10:42:00.004-05:00

A friend's facebook status reminded me of the Myers-Briggs personality analysis again, so I retook the test and had another look at my personality type:

This time when I took the test it came out even stronger than last time. The characteristic description for me according to this analysis is "Dreamer." It's funny that my parents used to call me that all my life. I always got upset about that, partly because to my parents it had a very negative connotation. To them dreamers wouldn't amount much in life.

A really cool thing is that I'm in great company with the INFP type. Some of the coolest people are supposedly INFPs, like:

J. R. R. Tolkien
William Shakespeare
George Orwell
Aldous Huxley
St. John
St. Luke
Mary, Jesus's Mother
Peter Jackson, director for LOTR
Calvin (from Calvin & Hobbes)
Fox Mulder (from X-Files, my hun's favorite tv show)

Another funny thing is that I seem to be in the totally wrong profession for me. I wonder if I'll ever manage the huge jump of a career change to musician, counselor, minister. I'd love to...

Transcendence of the Supernatural

2008-12-16T13:00:00.002-05:00

I have been struggling lately with thoughts like:

- Is God real?

- Is God only a figmant of the collective Christian imagination?

- Have we made up God?

I find one really potent argument for the presence of God is his (indirect) reference in all of art, music, casual talk, etc. What I mean is this yearning for eternal love, something transcending the natural, that is apparent in many songs, in paintings, in other things. The surprising thing is that the supernatural theme is so prevalent, even (or rather especially) with people that don't consider themselves Christians.

I know this isn't proof for anything but I find it to be very potent evidence for the reality of God.

Slow Grace

2008-12-16T01:44:00.002-05:00

It's almost two in the morning and I'm still up. Again... and I wonder again whether things will change, do change, have changed. And I wonder whether God has any foothold in my life, whether He has any room to change things... I wonder because I am so imperfect...

But then I am thinking that God's grace isn't working the way I want but the way He wants. Sometimes (and for some people) it's fast. We all heard of people who came to God, repented of their sin and *wham* since then they didn't do that certain sin anymore. But at the same time there's evidence that God works slowly. Moses spent I-don't-know-how-many-years in the desert before God "called" him. God doesn't have to work fast. What matters is that we don't stop trusting Him, in our sin, in our despair and depression, in our success, in everything...

If God chooses to work slowly with me so be it. I don't need any reason for why He does the things He does.

ASBO Jesus

2008-11-13T12:15:00.002-05:00

http://asbojesus.wordpress.com/

I stumbled on this website two (or three?) days back and have since then read all of the comics and even been skimming the comments. Check it out. Very (thought-)provoking.

Music

2008-11-11T10:47:00.002-05:00

I'll keep making music even if sometimes I feel like giving up.

Carol and I had our second gig this past weekend and it all felt rushed and unprepared. In fact it was. I did some pre-recording of the songs. We jammed to them a bit but we never practiced the whole set solidly together. I think we were both a little nervous and it showed. I felt inadequate when playing and felt like I didn't perform to my ability.

Still, I love music and to express myself in this way. If I can make the world only a little more colorful; If I can make someone smile with my music; If I can make someone think with my music; If I can grow through this process; If this makes any difference I won't give up (and I know it makes a difference in me at least).

So now on to more productions. And maybe we'll manage to get a record eventually. I'll try to post some songs on our myspace soon and will let you guys know (if anyone is reading this).

My engagement with Carol

2008-11-09T13:11:00.003-05:00

Many of my have been asking and waiting to hear how I got engaged so I'm finally putting it down on paper (err... bits and bytes).

Carol and I have been going out for a while. It was more than three years this last summer and I've been thinking of getting engaged. I think we both have been thinking of that and everyone once in a we'd say "Man, I wish we were married." So at the end of July I started to think that it's about time and started my search for The Ring.

I'll cut the ring story short as to not bore you to death. I basically decided early on against a diamond center stone for various reasons and then found out that Carol's birthstone is a ruby. Now, despite all that jewellers will tell you rubies are much rarer and costlier than diamonds, at least perfect rubies. After long research I finally had one type of design in my head and got a jeweller to make that ring for me. A ruby in the center, two diamonds on the sides.

I initally thought of proposing at the beginning of September but since Carol went to work in Edmonton that plan had to be abandoned. I then planned to take a trip out west (we were talking about that already) and propose somewhere on the trip. While I was planning the trip Lake Louise started to stick out, being the "Jewel of the Rockies" and just being beautiful and special in general.

I got the ring about a week before flying out and still had to talk to her parents. Since I still had to pick up stuff for Carol for our trip I combined the two. So I called, her dad picked up, and I asked him when I could come by to pick up the things and to talk to him and his wife about something. He already guessed what it was and asked whether it was serious. I said "yes, sort of" or something like that and, of course, was pretty nervous on the phone. He then invited me to come and have dinner with them. After dinner we went to the living room and they asked me what I wanted to talk about. Despite trying to formulate beforehand of what to say I went totally blank and then basically just said what it was about. I got the green light. :)

So, I flew to Edmonton, spent a day at home (where Carol was staying as well) and the next day, Sunday, October 11, we left early in the morning and drove to the mountains. Carol was tired and slept most of the way. This was good cause it allowed me to hide my nervousness more easily but also bad cause I was afraid my plan would get spoiled. It was also cloudy and I think a little rainy which added to that. My plan was to hike up the Big Beehive at Lake Louise and propose on top with the lake as backdrop. This would have been quite the hike.

Well, when we got to Lake Louise it was still mostly cloudy but otherwise pretty nice. Carol went up for a "short hike" and so we started going up. I already guessed that we wouldn't make it all the way up the mountain but I still wanted to get away from people. After a long, tough and fun hike, during which the sun started coming out we arrived at Mirror Lake. It was all frozen but it was beautiful and really warm with the sun out. We still wanted to try to go to a teahouse a little further up and started on our way but soon got tired since the path was terribly icy and steep.

We ended up stopping at this place where there were tons of big and small rocks. It was nice and sunny and hardly anybody walked by there. We sat down and ate a bit and then Carol went to look at rocks, trying to find ones that look pretty (one of her favorite things to do). When she did that I thought "That's your opportunity. You have to strike now." So I took the ring and took a note that I prepared, when a few steps out of direct sight from her and dropped the ring and the note there, placing them so she would see them when she came. Then I pretended to look at rocks too.

After a minute or so Carol asked me if there were any nice rocks where I was. I hesitated at first since at that exact moment people were walking by but then said slowly that "Yeah, there are some here that look sort of interesting." So she walks over, sees the ring and her first though is "Somebody must've dropped it and be really sad right now." She then picks up the note and starts reading (or rather skimming it) and recognizes that it was my handwriting. When she got the part where I wrote "Will you marry me?" I got on my knees, held the ring and asked her. She couldn't wait to say yes. :)

After that we took a few pictures and went down the hill, smiling til our face-muscles were tired, and then enjoyed a nice dinner at Banff and some soaking in the Hot Springs. A wonderful day.

P.S: This isn't proofread yet. I'll do it some other time...

the bird and the bee

2008-10-24T10:50:00.002-04:00

http://www.myspace.com/thebirdandthebee

To add to the list of quirky, interesting music, here's a gem. Interesting melodies, harmonies, instrumentation. Very dreamy music. Nicely pleasing vocals.

Why I seem to dislike church right now?

2008-10-24T09:57:00.002-04:00

Well, first of all it's not totally clear to me either. It's been coming at me from a few angles which I'll try to mention (Most of my question marks will be of rhetorical nature. I don't necessarily want them answered):

a) Church is so friggin institutionalized and formalized. "No jeans allowed when playing on the worship team." There's many other such man-made rules that don't make any sense to anybody but get upheld because we have to. Why? This just makes people uncomfortable and is pretty pharasaical. There's many other unwritten rules about how to behave and how to not disturb formalisms in church or in the service. There's no room for people be themselves, to share, to open up. Everything caters to masking yourself.

b) We don't like sinners. They're so friggin annoying. It's so vulgar when they're honest. But honestly, we don't know how to face them. Their pain makes us uncomfortable. Oh, and I think we might've forgotten that we're sinners as well and sort of lost (without Christ).

c) Let the little children come to me. Our worship service is so formal that kids are bored and any disruptions from them aren't very welcome. Of course this holds for other participants as well.

d) We're a little judgmental. Now I'm certainly stepping on toes here. No, Christians aren't judgmental. They just try to point out sin. And they try to fix it. Yeah, I know. I always try this to my girlfriend too when she's had a bad day and don't really get why she's pissed at me when I do (note that this is entirely fictional). We don't seem to know how to provide a safe environment for sinners (without endorsing sin). We've sorta missed what pubs and clubs seem to accomplish well.

e) Some of us think that our church is the only good church. No, we won't admit it cause we feel like there's something wrong with it but we won't move to a city that doesn't have a church like ours. And we strongly try to convince people that went to another church to come back. Isn't there something off with this?

f) We've build a wall, a comfortable shelter (or should I say hole) so we don't need to trouble ourselves with the things that make us feel uncomfortable (our own inner being and other people's inner beings).

Disclaimer: I know there's a lot right about church but I'm not trying to get at that. I'm trying to just point out the things that aren't.

Club des Belugas

2008-10-08T13:13:00.001-04:00

http://www.myspace.com/clubdesbelugas

Classifying themselves as Lounge / Nu-Jazz / Soul these guys rock. They got a great groove and are everything but boring old jazz. Very swingable and listenable.

Tell me about your life

2008-10-07T14:49:00.002-04:00

What would happen if one would sit down in a public space, a park maybe, or a mall, once a week at the same time, every week, with a sign that invites people to sit down and tell about their life?

The inspiration comes from:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/10/07/oxford.project/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

It would be interesting to do this (and continue it for at least a year).

Soulstice

2008-10-01T13:47:00.002-04:00

As promised, here's another interesting artist. I've been listening to them a lot lately. Whenever nothing else works (because I'm down and it's too Christian, too negative, too energetic, too anything) I find myself listening to Soulstice.

http://www.myspace.com/soulsticela

Persevering Grace

2008-09-30T11:08:00.002-04:00

I watched one of the best sermons ever yesterday: http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/religionsaves/grace. I say that a lot about Mark Driscoll's sermons but they really are amazing. One of the aspects of grace he talked on was persevering grace, a concept that I'm sure a whole lot of christians struggle from time to time and the thing that he says he struggles most with out of all things.

Anyways, just thinking about this and God-pokes I'm noticing that God is constantly active in my life, poking, whispering in my ear, drawing my attention. His persevering grace is amazing.

God behind Brothel Doors

2008-09-29T13:12:00.003-04:00

“Every man who knocks on the door of a brothel is looking for God.” - G.K. Chesterton

I saw this quote while reading through the sermon guide for Mark Driscoll's new series http://www.peasantprincess.com/. It's like a re-appearing epiphany to me. This truth has found me a couple of years back and grabbed a hold of me but over time it got blurred and almost lost.

It's time now when I knock at the virtual brothel door again to remember who I really am looking for...

For pleasure

For love

For the one who loved me and still does

For the one I love and desire here on earth

For the one I love and desire in heaven

right and wrong or what's better for me

2008-09-24T15:10:00.001-04:00

http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/meast/09/23/ahmadinejad.us/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

no longer do we make decisions on what's right and wrong, if we ever did, but simply decide on what leaves us better off... my heart's with ahmadinejad and all the nations oppressed by western and american supremacy. shame on us... how can we support these wars and oppressions? we're no better than our ancestors during the imperialistic years.

DobaCaracol

2008-09-19T10:35:00.007-04:00

I'm going to try to post interesting, lesser know, artists here as I discover them. The following I found on aurgasm.us. A group from Montreal that does Afro-beat / Dub / Folk according to their myspace page. Check them out. They rock.

http://www.myspace.com/dobacaracol

The Need to be on Stage

2008-09-19T10:35:00.004-04:00

As i'm sitting here and listening to music I'm feeling the strong urge to be on stage, with friends, making music, entertaining, having fun.

I'm weird. I actually love being on stage. Others get stage fright and even though I can't say that I haven't experienced it usually I'm beyond (or below) stage fright. I like performing but I'm lazy.

why i like coldplay or thoughts on songwriting and the perversity of christianity

2008-09-06T14:56:00.002-04:00

we were dying of frustration

saying Lord lead me not into temptation

but it's not easy when she turns you on

[...]

God only, God knows i'm trying my best

but I'm just so tired of this loneliness

so up they picked my by the big toe

i was held from the rooftop, then they let it go

~excerpts from "yes" by coldplay

right now i'm into coldplay, especially their latest album "viva la vida." i used to be very much into christian music, despising secular music but i am making a switch. it's not that i don't like christian music anymore, but there's something about much of it that doesn't satisfy. i find christian artists struggle with honesty. i'm not saying they're dishonst but their honesty seems to only touch a few, very christian areas of their lives. this seems to hold for much of the christian community. you only talk about certain things, others are better left untouched. this is what i like about secular artists. they touch upon much of what christians are afraid to touch. they allow themselves to be cryptic. not everything has to be explained or even needs to have a definite meaning. could you imagine the same thing in the christian world? this would be instant death to you. everybody would jump on you, interpret you their way and tear you to pieces. it's kinda funny and sad that this is how christians behave. i haven't seen as much of that in the secular world. especially in big cities people live and let live. you're entitled to your own worldview and if i don't understand it i won't tear you apart. cryptic songs are still open to interpretation by everyone and many people have different interpretations. the thing that matters is that people can connect with these songs, and can connect in different ways. that's the beauty of it all.

now on to the side-topic of christians leaping onto each other like fighting wolves. isn't it sad? we stand against gays. jesus hung out with prostitutes and would've surely embraced gays. we don't allow them to get married. yes, true, we don't think that's right but who are we to choose for them? we do not in any way have any authority over anyone else, nor do we have the right to judge. yes, we do have the right to say this is wrong but how much good are we doing with this in most cases?

the thing that strikes me most is that while we hold on to our so-called "christian" values and not just merely defend them, but attack everyone who thinks differently, we have lost many key values. what about love? can we call ourselves christian if we go and rip everyone apart who thinks differently? can we call ourselves christian if we don't even make the effort to sit down with the sinner and listen and understand? not just a half-ass effort but a real effort that costs us something (most christians talk much about sacrifice but hate the very thought of it with passion). perfect love drives out fear. are we trying to convert people by fear or by love? what about the gospel being life-changing? what about Christ changing lives? why the heck are we trying to force people to change their own lives? isn't there something very perverse with this?

depression

2008-03-18T10:22:00.002-04:00

when you look at people's lives you'll notice a certain depression in most of us. i think depression is more common than we think. the thing that's different is how different people deal with depression.
some let it sink in
some let it take over their lives
some ignore it
some deny it
some numb it
some distract themselves so they can ignore it
some give it to God and receive peace
some can't handle it
some handle it well

what do i do with my depression?
what do you do with your depression?

Hypnosis

2008-03-13T11:05:00.002-04:00

Reading a (critical) article about Scientology I started to wonder: Is hypnosis possibly very simple? Could it be that most of hypnosis consists of skillfully leading a person from a rational to an irrational mindset? A person who thinks rationally is not easily controlled. He evaluates everything and makes his own decisions. A person who does not think rational is much more easily controlled by someone who knows their weakness. If you know someone's fears and are even able to place fears into someone's mind it's easy to control them. Same goes with delusions. Could it be that hypnotists are mostly just skilled artists who are able to play with their subjects mind, preachers who call for blind faith?

Could it be that blind following in religions and cults is simply a form of hypnosis?

i've been a half-hearted christian

2008-02-15T12:55:00.003-05:00

dear friends, i know some of you are thinking pretty highly of me. this is only an indication how easy it is to live a half-hearted christian life while making everyone believe that one is on fire for Jesus.

friends, i have to confess that i am a half-hearted christian. no, i didn't deceive anyone consciously and this is beside the point anyway. the point is that i want to make a new start, humbling myself, and letting God work in me. i know i am weak and try to evade His searching eye very often but He is stronger and He knows ways to bring me to Him. I want to follow Him again full-heartedly and be honest with myself, you and Him.

in weakness,
harry

a personal scrum

2008-02-15T11:33:00.002-05:00

i'm a very disorganized person who is hopeless when it comes to planning or keeping track of things. nevertheless, over the last year and more i've learned a process that is helpful and works for people as disorganized as me. it's the scrum process.

often enough i've come to the realization that my personal life needs better planning but i never managed to do anything about it. i want to try to use the scrum process for that. i want to create "stories" (projects to do), divide them into tasks and give good estimates to the whole thing. the idea is to use sticky notes on a wall in my apartment to do this. then i commit to a few "stories" over the next two weeks and knock them down task by task, a bit every day. over time this will give me a good idea of how much i'm capable of doing and it will give me bite-sized tasks that can be done without getting overly side-tracked. in addition i can measure progress which is gonna be a confidence booster.

i'll keep you posted on how this works.

humility

2008-01-31T10:29:00.001-05:00

in the past couple years God has been humbling me. no, not just teaching me humility but actually humbling me. teaching me humility would imply that i can learn humility. but no, he humbled me, broke down my high ideas about myself, showed me who i am, not merely teaching me humility but actually humbling me.

every day i'm seeing my limitations and imperfections, my sin, my inadequacy for any task at hand. in all this He has taught me not to throw the towel, give up, but to accept my limitations, me, and move on. He has taught me honesty. to do that He broke me.

He broke this dishonest person. i am dishonest mostly with myself and about myself. i don't like to accept who i am but pretend i was someone else, someone better, perfect. but His honesty is greater than my dishonesty and is conquering this land.

our God is an awesome God indeed.

longing for a substitute sufferer

2008-01-25T13:47:00.000-05:00

everyone is longing for a substitute sufferer. people hate it when others are detached, not knowing suffering. people hate people who always have everything going according to plan. people hate the flanders in this world. on the other hand people like people who suffer. people like the simpsons. people like it when other people screw up or experience pain and this might not just be an evil desire, or schadenfreude. i think people like it when others suffer because we have an inherent desire for a substitute, somebody who suffers for us. we know we should suffer cause we're bad people but we inherently want somebody else to suffer instead.

that's why Jesus is so awesome. He didn't remove Himself in His own go-merry world. He came down and suffered, took beatings, took people's hatred and stuff. He suffered what we feel we should suffer. when seeing that we feel better cause we can let go of the feeling of condemnation. yes, we suck, but we don't need to suffer for it anymore.

"i'm a terrible person"

2008-01-12T22:08:00.000-05:00

i don't think highly of God. i rather watch tv than read my bible or pray. i'm constantly needy. i get easily angry. i watch porn. i pretend i'm good. these all are indicators that i'm a terrible person. sin is in my life.

this is what God thinks of me. "the soul who sins shall die" (ezekiel 18). it's pretty hopeless. nothing i do can really make me better. i can try to make myself better but in me there's a growing cancer. i can try to cover it but in the end the cancer will even take over the cover and expose me. sooner or later. likely sooner than later.

then why even bother? we bother cause we're afraid of God's wrath. we know that His wrath is certain so we either try to be better (a hopeless endeavor since we can't ever change the past) or we simply give up and do what we want.

why would we even try then to please God if we really knew that God's wrath for sin is certain. we don't love Him. yes, He deserves love, but He didn't do a thing in our lives to make us love Him. He put us on this earth. He allowed sin to take over the human race. were it not for that we wouldn't be hopeless. so every attempt to please God is at best self-righteous non-sense and at worst just plain stupidity and hopelessness.

yeah, i know there's a lot of people who fake serving God and loving Him, but what about those who seem to find their happiness in loving God? those are weird. no, honestly, they don't seem to make any sense or do they? why would anyone love God?

cause He loved us while we were hating Him, while we were sinners. He loved us, became one of us, united Himself (a holy God) with us (a sinful, disgusting, terrible people) so He can take our punishment and we can get His righteousness. now, this doesn't make sense easily but let's go with me on this little excursion that hopefully makes things a little clearer.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (romans 5:8) He loved us, disgusting, sinful, terrible people. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." (john 3:16) but how can he give us eternal life? we're sinful and no sin can be in God's presence. "It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus" (1cor 1:30) God put us in Christ, us being the "whoever believes." but what does this mean? it means that if we were in Christ God had to punish Christ. we and all our sins were in Christ. God has to punish sin. so He must punish Christ, meaning that Christ has died for our sins, He became the sacrifice for our sins. but more than that. let's look at 1 cor 1:30 again: "It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption." Christ is our righteousness. because we are united to Him His righteousness is ours.

now that we are freed from sin and have His righteousness we may come to God and receive from Him whatever we need for our lives. He loves us and gives us the Spirit who helps us overcome sin. yes, there's still the flesh who wants to sin but we also have the Spirit who doesn't want to sin.

i don't know if this all makes sense. just a few thoughts. just trying to say that if we feel it's a burden to please God and if we don't love Him or if we think He hates us than we might not understand the Gospel and God well. then we should rather invest energy in getting to know God and His Word rather than waste energy trying to white-knuckle-please Him.

From hope to frustration... again...

2008-01-10T01:54:00.000-05:00

... but that story shall be confined to my personal blog (and those who are genuinely interested in knowing).

Things to do (possible dates but not necessarily)

2008-01-04T14:21:00.000-05:00

Just wanna keep down a few things for possible dates here. Please comment for any suggestions. :)

Toronto Architecture: http://canada.archiseek.com/ontario/toronto/ (it'd be cool to be touristy and explore Toronto)
Snowmobilling (http://www.skidoorentals.com/ or http://www.ridethewilderness.com/snow.htm)
Skiing/Snowboarding (maybe with small group ppl)
Hiking (Bruce Trail around Webster's Falls, etc., http://www.brucetrail.org/explorethetrail.asp?id={459E67E1-7954-433E-B457-71C6BBDD2A5D})
Visit Carsten and Denise Link in Hamilton
Mini Golf
Visiting Galleries
Toronto Symphony
Musical
Opera (http://www.coc.ca/ or http://www.fourseasonscentre.ca/)
Play
AGO (when it's done?)
Toronto Film Board (John & Richmond) to watch some random movie/stuff/loiter
Spa (I'd have no clue about that, we'd have to do/research that together)
...
Run around screaming (I don't know what this means... not my idea :P)
Skating at Mel Lastman, Nathan Phillips or Harbourfront and hot chocolate afterwards
Go to an Indie Concert (at El Mocambo, Silver Dollar, etc)
Take street people out for Dinner
Help at some street mission
Shopping in Buffalo
Fancy Dress/Suit shopping
Study a book of the Bible (would have to be something more regular)
Take time for friends who feel lonely and/or just need someone and hang out, do something fun, listen
Take ballroom dance classes
Take contemporary dance classes
Watch the moonrise/set over a lake (http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/moonrise.html)
Watch the sunrise/set over a lake (or a beautiful landscape)
Bruce Trail hiking
Hiking through Toronto (Don River Valley)
...

Day 17

2008-01-03T08:50:00.000-05:00

God's helped me since my last entry. My time off and at home was beneficial. It was good simply to get away from life, worries, busyness, temptations for a while and talk, read, make music. Things I mentioned in my last entry have improved as well. Yes, given, they're not where they should be but my thinking is better, my priorities are better, my lifestyle has improved. In general, my life is more in alignment with God and His Grace.

But temptations have come lately and they've been a reminder to trust Grace and not myself. Changes won't happen overnight and I shouldn't expect them to. It's also forced me to ask what am I counting when I'm counting days. I need a fixed line against which to measure this. So, even though I've thought about it before let me simply write this 'line' down here. What I am counting is how long I've gone without masturbating all the way (i.e. orgasm or wherever it stops naturally). This might include viewing pornography or not (viewing pornography would lead there unless I stop).

The reason I'm measuring progress at this level is that I want to teach myself grace and the ability to stop half-way (if the Spirit catches me) along the way. I'm doing this as an encouragement to progress and so I don't stop and give up as soon as I start giving in to temptation a little. At the same time having this measure will have an effect on viewing pornography and other areas as I realize that I do not hold up for long if I start giving in to porn.

Having said this Day 17 shows God's grace in my life. Were it not for Him I'd be at Day 1 again. There have been a few minor hickups on the way but nothing close to where I always went. No masturbation and no porn yet, by God's grace.

I need to change my life badly

2007-12-18T13:33:00.000-05:00

(a) Prioritites

As is (roughly):
1) Porn
2) Carol
3) Work
4) TV
5) Music
6) God
7) Friends

Desired:
1) God
2) Carol
3) Work
4) Friends
5) Music
6) TV

(b) Thinking

As is (often):
- Hopeless
- Depressed
- Stagnant
- Condemning
- Faithless
- I-centered
- Self-pitying

Desired:
- God-centered
- Self-denying
- Joyful
- Hopeful
- Trusting

(c) Lifestyle

As is:
- Staying up late unreasonably
- Getting to work late
- Sleeping little
- Working little
- No time for God
- No time for Carol

Desired:
- Regular eight-hour sleep
- Getting up at 6:30 weekdays and before 8 weekends
- Getting to work early
- Working full eight hours
- Time with God instead of TV or other things
- Time and energy for Carol
- Keeping my place and life in order (cleanliness, finances, etc.)

(d) What can I do?

Pray over this list

Day 2 - Surrender

2007-12-14T13:43:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was actually day 1, really.

Surrender. It's so hard. Well, it's easy at the same time. I want to absolutely surrender, follow God's will. He knows better than me. He loves me.

I haven't surrendered in so long. I've been putting it off. Been asking "what's so wrong with this," "what's so wrong with that." Nothing, maybe, but there's no joy. There's no joy following my will. There's pain, really. Chastisement from my Father? Sometimes I just want my will.

I guess the real problem is that I don't trust God to give me joy. I want to change that. I'm used to going to Carol for finding joy. Sorry, this is so bad. I say I love her but I seem to give my life to her, please her, in order to get what I want from her. I kinda do it subconsciously. Referring back to yesterday's post I hinge on her. The root for an unhealthy relationship is right there. I should hang on Christ, be attached to Christ, go to Christ for joy, follow Christ (for my joy), do His will to find joy (instead of doing Carol's will to find joy or my will to find joy). Then I can give. Let's go even further back to thoughts I had two-three years ago.

We can't truly love if we're devoid of God's love. We look for joy and love in things, in sin, in being good, etc., but can't find it. We run empty because none of these things can give us joy and love. Only God can. Everything's finite, empty. If we try to get joy in other people/things we are like the devils, simply sucking each others blood for our own sustenance, causing the other person to die. Instead we should be sucking God's blood (figuratively speaking), or rather drink His blood, the blood He gives freely.

There's life in the blood. The life of a living thing is in its blood (quoting sort-of free from the Old Testament). The life of Christ is in His blood. He gave His blood for us and in His blood we have life. And, unlike other things/beings, His life isn't finite, doesn't run out. It's infinite. Enough for me. Enough for you. Enough for everyone who comes and drinks.

Drinking blood sounds gross, that's why Christ refers to it also as drinking living water. Water that never runs out and gives us life.

Surrender, a necessity.

Hinges

2007-12-13T17:03:00.001-05:00

Us humans are made such that we hinge on something. We need an anchor, a hinge, like a door, something that we attach to. Everyone does. Everyone hinges on something. There's a problem when we don't hinge on God. God is unchangeable, unmovable, a solid foundation. He never shakes and hinged on Him we're hinged well. Anyone else is only at most attached to something/someone else so if we hinge on them our life is definitely gonna be shaken. This doesn't say anything about the character of the person we're hinging on. If we hinge on people we are like a door that's hinged on another door, which is hinged on something else. Very shaky.

I wanna be married to God

2007-12-13T16:00:00.000-05:00

That's all. Nobody and nothing is more attractive, sweeter, caring, gentle, loving, gracious than Him.

All about God

2007-12-13T15:07:00.001-05:00

It's time to make it all about God, not about anything or anyone else, not even Carol. What does it matter if I keep her but lose God. And if I would lose her and find God I'd still find joy through all the pain.

2007-12-13T01:52:00.000-05:00

"nevertheless, i won't stay down. i won't. no matter what happens now. God's forgiven, He's lifted me up again. So, after 28 days, back to day #1. and again i choose not to do that stuff anymore."

~ me two years ago

28 days, baby, 28 days ... yeah, it's possible

.
.
.

4 days later i'm saying this:

"everyone hates me... what's the point in living anymore... honestly... why not commit suicide? i'm serious."

that kinda explains where things went bad :( maybe that explains some of the bitterness. oh, the hurt that sin causes in relationships and in general.

Day 0

2007-12-13T01:45:00.001-05:00

Reading through my old xanga entries (from 2 years ago) I've been encouraged to count the days again. Maybe we can celebrate after a week. The days I mean is the days that I've gone without looking at porn. I can do it. With some motivation.

This makes me wonder, why is it worse now, after 2 years? Yes, we had other problems back then as well, but God just kinda lifted me there for times but I must've fallen and then turned back to self-condemnation. With every fall a stronger self-condemnation instead of seeing God's grace. The devil's tactic is to make us stop trusting in God.

As well I've been encouraged by how much we were in love back then and how much we loved each other. Really, it's not just the feeling that's gone but kind of the love. Yes, in some ways I do love her more, or do I? Maybe this so-called "quiet love" isn't so much "love" as just being used to each other. But I see hope when reading through my old blog entries, hope for love, burning love in purity.

2007-12-12T13:14:00.001-05:00

Lord, You know me, know my heart,
know my desires that sometimes want to rip me apart.
They're in Your hand, nothing is beyond You.
I am Yours.

Lord, You can change me, change my heart,
change my desires to conform to Your will.
They're in Your hand, nothing is beyond You.
I am Yours.

Lord, calm this storm in me that's raging violently.
Good and bad, awesome and ugly fighting within me.
You're my Sovereign and You're in control, nothing is beyond You.
I am Yours.

2007-12-11T16:17:00.001-05:00

should i feel like crap about what happened on sunday? i'm not talking about stupid stuff, but the other stuff, as not all of this applies to stupid stuff, in fact much probably doesn't.

am i feeling crappy because i feel that i'm expected to feel crappy, by her? it's a tricky and very vulnerable question but i think i might make myself feel crappy because of that. there's two potential/likely flaws here. (a) she might not want me to feel crappy because of this. after all it was pleasant and went deep, despite being wrong. maybe feeling crappy is unloving, hurtful. it's definitely hurtful to me cause i feel that it's wrong to feel crappy about it. it was wrong and we should walk away from sin, but feeling crappy for her might be just as wrong as the actual thing that happened. (b) sin has to be brought to God. i've been trying to do that but i think the thing that really hinders me is my wrong/forced attitude about (a).

confusing thoughts in fairly cryptic language...

2007-12-11T09:31:00.000-05:00

i've been a jerk but i can change. i can't just off-load everything onto God. i gotta pray and ask Him for what i need but i need to use that to change.

praying for:

(a) managing my sleep (it's been bad since last week again, that's why it's been going downhill)
(b) trust in Him (my attitude just constantly turns sour)
(c) love for carol (i'm lacking so much)
(d) trusting carol (struggling with that right now)

yeah, otherwise i'll freak out.

boundaries ? (a rant)

2007-12-11T00:31:00.000-05:00

i'm trying to fix you. you're trying to fix me (maybe you've stopped, which would speak of your maturity, cause i do think you're way more mature in this area). i don't mean "fix" in the bad sense as in trying to get the other person to be as we want them to but "fix" as in assuming responsibility for each others problems. i know, as i'm thinking and writing all this reminds me of a place i've been to again and again. why don't i learn? i always try to make your problems my problems, but then end up not handling them and despairing, of this relationship, sometimes of live.

no, it's not you who is bad. you're not making my life hard. you never pushed your problems onto me (although you don't mind an open ear and help). but it's me who is handling this wrong and putting our relationship in grace danger.

i need to let go. boundaries. your problems are your problems, my problems are my problems. i don't carry responsibility for your problems, you don't carry responsibility for my problems. that doesn't mean we can't help. but there need to be boundaries.

i guess this is one more of those blabber-on-until-i-come to the point posts. i find the more i write the more my thoughts become. so, here we go with some clearer thoughts.

i don't just want to help you with your problems. i blame myself for your problems. bam! this is the issue. self-condemnation. no good if i blame myself for my own sin. no good if i blame myself for some other person's sin or problems. does Jesus live in her? yes, He does. does He live in me? despite all my sin and failures and suckiness, He does. who then should i trust. oh-so-glorious me or her or God? i guess the answer is obvious.

what should i do then in conclusion? should i blame myself? no. should i seek penance? no. should i try to do better? no, yes, and no. not really. not a useful question as the answer is obviously yes but the outcome of that answer is garbage. i can't really do better by myself, without God. let's rephrase it: should i do better? yes. should i try to do better? no. i should trust God to be good and to breathe His life in me so i become better. what's needed for this? to see Him in His word (cause that's His way to work new life in me and to give me His Spirit). to pray. to get sleep so i have the energy to effectively read His word and pray. should i keep dwelling on this? no. should i blame myself for this? no. should i think how hard this is? no, i shouldn't worry about "fixing" this.

this relationship won't get fixed without God. i won't be fixed without God.

i stop blaming myself and go to God
=> i'll learn to know Him
=> He gives His life to me
=> i become a mature man
=> i can be the man to carol i should be
=> God comes into our relationship
=> i can lead again
=> our relationship will thrive

i keep blaming myself
=> i won't go to God
=> i'll hide
=> i'll have gloomy thoughts
=> pain
=> escape
=> sin
=> more pain
=> angryness
=> carol won't like me (understandable)
=> i won't like me
=> our relationship will die

now the common thought is that if she means so much to me i should carry the blame for hurting her. but that leads to more pain (see above) and more hurt for her. the completely ridiculous, uncommon thought would be that if she means so much to me i shouldn't blame myself for hurting her cause that'll lead to more hurt. instead the loving thing to do is to let go of any self-condemnation, seek joy, seek God, seek happiness, for that'll end up restoring our relationship.

all this ridiculous thinking, of course, wouldn't work a bit if it weren't for Christ's death and life.

2007-12-10T16:35:00.000-05:00

lessons from this weekend (can't say lessons learned, since it's so hard to internalize them sometimes):
- something so amazing and good can turn out so bad and ugly. really gotta put God first here. it's so hard. this is probably the area where it's the hardest. God help.
- consistency. i'm so utterly inconsistent. things get better sometimes just to be crashing down the next moment. i tend to give up so easily.
- righteousness. my righteousness comes from God. often i try to fix things myself after doing something bad but end up making things only worse. it's not my righteousness i should trust but God's righteousness. in Him i am righteous. if i trust that instead of working my righteousness and instead of feeling bad for everything i'll recover much more quickly and usually find there's change in my life.
- like that other thing i mentioned... i don't need to feel bad. simply trust His righteousness. then i would want to be different since what happened hurts (badly).
- my hun loves me.
- i love my hun.
- she's really wonderful and sweet.

2007-12-09T22:58:00.000-05:00

"Daily we mar all our prospects of heaven,
Stumbling we falter, yet Christ makes us whole;
Kindly He lifts us with glimpses of glory,
Till all its splendour shall rise on our soul."

~ Faith Cook, Grace in Winter, on Of First Importance

2007-12-09T21:41:00.000-05:00

dear diary. i'm glad not too many people know about you. maybe only one. i'm glad cause i don't want their advise (stupid people always try to give stupid advise). i only care what they think about me. i hope my number one fan is reading this. she's the only person i care about reading this and loving me despite what she find here. i really care about what other people think of me. why? maybe cause i feel like crap.

i feel like shit today. not only did i go to far with my hun today (you know), but also i looked at stupid stuff and had to masturbate tonight. it's so ugly. i hate this. i hate myself. i don't want this. but i go because... what i want isn't available. i wanted to endure. but i didn't. i'm feeling so horrible about myself. how could i do this? i feel so dirty. i hate this.

can i feel good about myself again? i want to. i want to do better again? am i even getting better? i hate myself.

Living in Fear... or... Sin and Pooping Your Pants

2007-12-03T21:24:00.000-05:00

Fight-or-Flight response. I tend to experience that quite a bit. Having a sensitive stomach it becomes apparent fairly quickly for me. What I realize is that when I am tempted I experience this. My stomach becomes really weak all of a sudden ("Inhibition of stomach and intestinal action") and my heart rate rises ("Acceleration of heart and lung action").

This is an epiphany to me but at the same time I've known it all along. It's God's Spirit working in me to produce holiness, to lead me to holiness. Fear, leading to a Fight-or-Flight response.

Oh, and Fight-or-Flight response shows itself by inhibiting erection.

Huddling around the piano

2007-11-30T13:36:00.000-05:00

I miss huddling around a piano with a bunch of people, grabbing a guitar and singing our hearts out... in adoration to God, in admiration, in passion, in joy... I miss the youth retreats in Germany and Switzerland where we've done that. Full of energy and passion. Right now I am listening to Matt Redman leading worship on a single piano and have this desire in me to do that... huddle around a piano (be close and not all distant on chairs in a big room) and sing... out of songbooks... or out of a song-collection, spirit-lead, people suggesting songs as we go, nothing planned, just a piano, and voices (and possibly other instruments, but not necessarily).

It's been soooo long ago... Won't you give me a grand, a room and a bunch of voices?

Why is singing and worship often so passionless, sterile, distant, unemotional?

2007-11-29T22:07:00.000-05:00

Relearning Heterosexual Love by Henry Makow

One of the best writings I've ever read in support of heterosexual monogamous love.

Why do we sin when we don't enjoy it?

2007-11-29T15:11:00.000-05:00

It's good to be breathing again. I'm learning that my joy and my regeneration is dependent on Him and not on myself. Even though, I should strive to be free for my own sake.

Why is it that we Christians sometimes sin even if we don't enjoy the sin or are literally sick of sin. I find I often do that. Let me clarify first. I do think that Christians sometimes enjoy sin. I did and often do (sadly). We are human. The flesh is still there even though the Spirit is regenerating us inside. This regeneration usually tends to bring us to the point where we don't enjoy sin anymore. But when we are at that point why do we still find ourselves doing the same sin again and again?

For me this particular sin is pornography. I had times when I enjoyed it but more often than not over the last couple years I didn't enjoy it. This begs the question why I still do it, why Christians in general continue in their sin even when the enjoyment is gone. I think this often happens because we do not think we're worthy for something else.

Take this, for example: I find myself drifting into dirty thoughts. I'm starting to think about looking at pornography. Then a thought comes in of how nice it would be to give Carol a call and simply talk a bit with the one I love. In that moment I would really rather do this instead of looking at porn but I feel I'm too dirty, too unworthy to do something this good. I'm feeling ashamed.

It's natural for me to feel dirty or ashamed in that situation. That's how we're wired. That's the laws of the universe Aslan (i.e. God) put in place. But I'm missing Christ in this. Yes, it's natural for me to be ashamed but no, I'm not unworthy or dirty and I don't even need to feel ashamed anymore. Christ is my righteousness, my life. I've got nothing to fear. I've got nothing to hide from. Christ is my life. So really part of putting off the old body and putting on the new body is counting myself dead to sin and alive to Christ, meaning that sin's shame and guilt doesn't apply to me anymore (it was paid with Christ on the cross) but Christ's righteousness does (I've been raised with Christ). This removes the guilt and shame and opens the door out of this prison. When I count myself dead to sin (in Christ) and alive to Christ (in Christ) I can walk out of this prison immediately and do the good things that He makes me desire. I'm not bound to unworthiness and failure anymore. I'm worthy and clean.

2007-11-27T12:53:00.000-05:00

I want to run away...
Why do I want to run away?

Just some thought from last night:
I gotta get through the desert to get to the promised land
I gotta get through the pain
I may not turn back in fear
I do not want to walk in the desert for 40 years and then die there

Why do I want to run away?
Out of fear?
Out of lack of trust in God?
Because I do not want to take possession of the promised land?
Because I'm afraid of the giants?

I'm very selfish and self-pity-ful
Depressed?
Up and so easily down
Trusting in my self?
Instead of Christ?
Yeah, I guess that's it...

I want to close my eyes
and sleep
and not wake up
'till I'm in heaven

I want to say goodbye to all my worries
To all my fears
of rejection
and hurt
and loneliness

I want to trust in God
I want to go to sleep

Values and (Short-Term) Enjoyments

2007-11-24T16:14:00.000-05:00

I've got values and I've got things I enjoy. Those things aren't necessarily the same. I value good sleep and I value purity. But I "enjoy" staying up late to look at porn. When I say I enjoy it I also note that this enjoyment is temporary and in the bigger picture of things smaller than the enjoyment I get from good sleep and a pure heart.

This discrepancy between enjoyment and value, short-term enjoyment and long-term enjoyment, really, is troubling. It's hard to learn that values are better.

This really stems from a problem in my understanding of values. There are two different kinds of values, or rather two ways in which values apply to me (or any person). There are external values. These are things that people told you. It might be social norms; it might be things that we've picked up from our religion; it might come from our parents and families. There are internal values. Those are values that we picked up as well (usually) or that we acquired by our own reasoning. The important things is that an internal value is something that you value no matter what other people think. It's something that comes from the inside. You get enjoyment from such a value. This is different from an external value. Such a value isn't internal to us. Yes, we might have that value inside us as something to live by but living by such a value is no joy, it's a duty, it's like pleasing someone, even if that just means pleasing the part of you that holds the value.

Another way of explaining the different between these two is that an internal value is what we value (out of ourselves) whereas an external value is something that we value because we feel that we have to.

The funny things is that an external value might follow us throughout life even if the source of that value disappears. If your mom always told you that a tidy room is important this value might follow you throughout life as an external value even when you live by yourself and your mom never sees your room. You just feel bad if your room is untidy. But there are some people that have taken that value and processed it and made it their own. They've turned it into their own value. Those people will want to have a tidy room not because they feel bad when they see it messy but simply because a tidy room is important to them, gives them a certain satisfaction and joy.

Now, back to me and my values. I find that I do have a lot of external values that I've never processed and internalized. The tidy-room-value is one of those. I feel bad when my room is a mess. Yes, I do enjoy a clean room but that doesn't seem to be what I base my value on. I base it on something external, a law, a bad feeling when I see a dirty room and when I do this I tend to escape. I do not want to feel bad so I don't want to think of my dirty room so I don't confront the mess. If, on the other hand, this value was internal, simply driven by an enjoyment of cleanliness, I wouldn't feel bad when I saw the mess but would want to take time to clean it. I would want to confront it because I look toward what that gives to me.

Now, back again to me and my screwed-up values in regard to pornography. Why is it that I feel bad when I try to confront it? Are there external values that hinder me from solving this problem? Are there external values that I could internalize so they can help me in my fight instead of hindering me? Those would have to be addressed one by one. Values cannot be internalized over night (usually). It takes time to ponder them, realize that I do value them and lay down the pressure that I've put on me by letting them work as an external force on me.

I realize some bad behavior in regard to those values, or things that people tell me. Because they make me feel bad (and thereby hinder me) I put them aside, throw them out, even though I do realize they are good. Take, for example, the value of not having internet (or even TV?) at home. It is external, very external, so every time I consider this it just makes me feel bad, I don't find enjoyment in this value, so I put it aside. What if I could ponder, ponder the "value" that this gives me (I would have time to make music when I get home, read, get to bed early, etc.)? Maybe this could become an internal value for me and if it did I'm sure it would become a very deadly weapon in my fight with pornography.

What if I don't think of any other values for now, but only about this value. With God's help (prayer) and meditation, pondering, reading (work) I might be able to turn this value into an external value, let it work from the inside instead of whacking me from the outside.